I know it is a little early to say tis year is a total wrap but I am willing to call it one that I wish would wrap. There have been more stressful years in the past. It is not that this year was better than those, it is that my outlook has changed.
No, it is not that I am more Religious or Spiritual than before since the truth is that I am less. I do not attribute it to a wisdom that matures with the ages since I am sure you have noticed that I have been moving in a contradictory direction to that and find that it suits me.
I would be lying to say that there is Peace in my mind that somehow offsets the downturn that has defined this year for me and neither is it simply avoidance of issues that need to be dealt with that have me at this state of mind, the honest reason I feel is that along the line I have lost the ability to care.
At one time I would have seen this as a bad thing, to not really care about things. It is something to ponder since it is not a positive emotion but the exact opposite. The positive point is that I am not letting the challenges eat at me as some have in the past. Most of you know the issues that this year have offered, the losses that have occurred and the changes that have happened so I am not going to Chronicle them again here.
What I take from this year is that none of it is anything that can be changed. It is not fixable nor is it by any means the lowest point of this journey. It was a year os Loss, a year of challenge and a year of pain. It is a year that I would only wish on someone I truly despise. Perhaps “the indecent” happened for a reason, right now I truly an glad that it did since that was the point where the path to this mindset was forged.
Had it not happened I suspect that I would be a basket case by now worrying that bad things would happen or dwelling on how unfair things were. The advantage now is that I expect it to be bad which gives me a seat in the center of this judging the degree of bad and more than not being amused by the situation. It brings me no joy to be sideswiped over and over again but it does not surprise me anymore either.
So let me wrap this Year up in a nice little thorny Christmas Package full of crap and pain and then send it unopened to the trash bin. After all it is not every year that you can have Open Heart Surgery for Valentines Day and then spend a milestone Birthday in the Physical Rehab Center with no Party and those be the good parts is it?