Wrap it up!

     I know it is  a little early to say tis year is a total wrap but I am willing to call it one that I wish would wrap. There have been more stressful years in the past. It is not that this year was better than those, it is that my outlook has changed.

     No, it is not that I am more Religious or Spiritual than before since the truth is that I am less. I do not attribute it to a wisdom that matures with the ages since I am sure you have noticed that I have been moving in a contradictory direction to that and find that it suits me.

          I would be lying to say that there is Peace in my mind that somehow offsets the downturn that has defined this year for me and neither is it simply avoidance of issues that need to be dealt with that have me at this state of mind, the honest reason I feel is that along the line I have lost the ability to care.

         At one time I would have seen this as a bad thing, to not really care about things. It is something to ponder since it is not a positive emotion but the exact opposite. The positive point is that I am not letting the challenges eat at me as some have in the past. Most of you know the issues that this year have offered, the losses that have occurred and the changes that have happened so I am not going to Chronicle them again here.

     What I take from this year is that none of it is anything that can be changed. It is not fixable nor is it by any means the lowest point of this journey. It was a year os Loss, a year of challenge and a year of pain. It is a year that I would only wish on someone I truly despise. Perhaps “the indecent” happened for a reason, right now I truly an glad that it did since that was the point where the path to this mindset was forged.

          Had it not happened I suspect that I would be a basket case by now worrying that bad things would happen or dwelling on how unfair things were. The advantage now is that I expect it to be bad which gives me a seat in the center of this judging the degree of bad and more than not being amused by the situation. It brings me no joy to be sideswiped over and over again but it does not surprise me anymore either.

     So let me wrap this Year up in a nice little thorny Christmas Package full of crap and pain and then send it unopened to the trash bin. After all it is not every year that you can have Open Heart Surgery for Valentines Day and then spend a milestone Birthday in the Physical Rehab Center with no Party and those be the good parts is it?

       

‘Tis the Season…Again!

     As some of you with experience with me online know this time of year is traditionally a crappy time of the year for me. It was not always but like many it is an acquired disdain and several added reasons from a few years ago make it a time not to be looked forward to lest I want to be let down again.

     I do tend to make at least a mild appearance of acceptance for the sake of harmony and reduced tension but I do find it to be harder all the time and to save wasting the time of those who want to save me from my true feelings.

     I long ago identified the main reason for my growing disdain as the fact that I had been cornered into the role of being the giver so that others would feel wanted and needed while at the same time nor receiving the same consideration from them. Whoever said that Giving it the best part was full of crap! It does feel good to give but it also feels good to receive and after years of only seeing one end of the exchange I for one have had enough!

     This year while I have things to be Thankful for I can openly admit that it matters less to me that I have the Blessings than it does that I weathered the storms of the worst year in this run to date. A year that has seen far more losses than positive forward momentum and I am guessing that it still has some punches to throw. I am not wishing for adversity but I am braced for it.

     I have made the effort and gone through the motions, well except the motion of being one of the mindless drones fighting for cheap crap on Black Friday. Only semi did that once before it was even termed as Black Friday and I do not see that happening again. But as far as celebrating either of the reasons for the Season I would say that is dead and gone in this current timeline.

     There has to be a change in direction. Yes, the old “New Plan” has become seemingly unattainable and Moot since it seems to be only me that is comfortable with that goal. I have recently pondered the situation and have accepted the gains and acknowledged the failures and properly assigned blame to myself and others for the short comings and failures. I am not saying that it is totally scrapped, I should not have to, I have declared the end of it before, recently was just the Post Mortem.

     So before I start sounding like I am getting soft let me oncer again share my personal Christmas view;

     Scrooge was a sissy! A weak old jerk who after years of not caring about anyone but himself was Blackmailed into Sharing the Wealth for the sake of, well, himself. Poor old coot was trying to save his own hide instead of facing the reality of Mortality. For what, a little longer to suffer? A little longer to be told he was the reason for others shortcomings? To be seen as a soft touch for everyone who did not earn while he was earning but had needs. To end up giving more than he could afford to people who come to see him as a Bank that they never plan to pay back and run down as a mean old jerk who they would let Die in the street..

     He would have been better served selling it all off that night and throwing it all down a well and then taking the final trip. His struggling would end and the ungrateful leeches would be left to fend for themselves and quite possibly would discover the true meaning of earning and not expecting a Savior that they will never give a Rats Ass about or would be swept away. either way it would be better for him.

    So once again I say, If the Ghost of Christmas Future wakes me in the middle of the Night and says “Give or Die” he had better have a good Supper because he will have to drag my Fat Ass off with him! Bah! Humbug!

Heartless?

I am not sure if that is anywhere an accurate description of me but I am sure it gets said about me which is okay because while I may not like or agree with those who think or say it I have no control over what others think or say. That would be a big responsibility and while I am an advocate of at least minimal control and order to things I am also a Realist.

So, that being said, lets venture into the land of insensitivity. While I do have compassion for some People and Situations I have to draw the line somewhere and I choose to draw that line at Personal Responsibility. We all have issues, some are more challenging than others and not all problems can be overcome because that is Life.

We all need help from time to time, sometimes just advice or understanding, sometimes Tolerance and sometimes Financial support but we cannot expect that others will always be there to prop us if we are not willing to work on the core problem which in a lot of long term problems that are not our Body failing us is is failing ourselves.

To run short and ned a friendly loan to cover the shortfall is not unusual, things happen, but to day after day need the same help from others who are working while you are not is not a problem, it is a choice or weakness that you need to deal with. To make as much money begging as someone working the grind and then spending all of your money on Drugs and then asking for money because you have no Food, Gas or Power is unacceptable, at least it is to me.

I have used Alcohol in the past, I have short term Abused Alcohol in the past but maybe it is just me but I never missed a day of Work because I was Drunk and never asked someone to pay my Bills due to it, if I borrowed to cover it I repaid it, if I did not repay it I knew it was a Gift and for sure asked later when I got it back together if it was needed back by that person.

Simply put I no longer have no sympathy for Junkies or Drunks, I can all day long feel bad for the suffering of them and those around them but I will no longer continually contribute to their weakness. It is not going to help them to fix themselves and it is not a burden that I am any longer willing to accept, regardless of who they are.

I feel so strongly about this that I recently disassociated myself with the Libertarian Party due to their renewed push for Legalization for Drugs which is about as stupid of an idea as there can be if you want to have a functional Society that is decent to live in. Drugs cause or allow those who are predisposed to such things to commit Theft and worse to support their habit.

To me the theory to Decriminalize Drugs will never make a Society stronger. Even if we did and gave them all the Drugs free and a place to live it would not make us a stronger country. And yes, Alcohol is as bad as the rest but the ship has sailed on that and the best I see that could be done to curb that is to institute Minimum Mandatory sentences like a Month in Jail for even ONE DUI. Maybe at that point the mug shots of Drinkers who endangered others would not have that big grin like they just got prize.

So at this point how many of you would label me Heartless if I refuse to give even pocket change to a Bum that reeks of Booze in the middle of the day or is so high that they are scary to those around them? I feel that personally I can weed out the people that are in short term distress from the chronic burdens and do not say that I will never help but I will Discriminate who I will help, That is my right!

 

Choices

     In the past Decade I have written and deleted enough material to fill a few novels. Many have no idea I have ever written anything, some people have seen some of it, some have had some of it personally written for them but unless they saved it on their end it does not exist.

     The main problem I have concluded is me, not because I have not made the attempt to write but because once written I have chosen to criticize and self edit the works into oblivion. Other times I have simple walked away from the keyboard because my reason or inspiration was gone, maybe not a bad thing that I stepped away because uninspired writing is about as thrilling as watching paint dry.

     I do not have the fire I did before at this time so the content will surely be different and if I am just posting to fill space e I will be wasting my time as well as yours but I am going to open up the Keyboard again and see what I can get out of me. While I do no t have the fire I have a well honed and earlier suppressed sense of outrage so maybe that will be my key for now.

     Whatever the choice of subject matter is it will be for a purpose or you will never see it, that has worked well for me so far so why change that?

     Whatever I choose to share or vent on will be a concise as possible, it will likely need no character development or mystery structure nor will it ramble on for hundreds of words to prove any point, it will be either what I feel, what I see or what I think and yes it will be potentially entraining and probably the only question left at the end is whether I was serious or not, if you do not know me that might be hard to discern but then again therein may lie the element of Mystery. 

Above the Grass?

     That has been a catch phrase for a while now for me. Granted it was more than a little Tongue in Cheek look at Mortality but it was fun to be open and a bit shocking and at the same time avoiding any real discussions about how things were.

     When I had the Open Heart Surgery in February it did not take on more significance solely because of the Surgery but it did get me making some decisions about what to do if I did not make it through the Surgery.

     At the time I expressed a favoritism for Cremation for several reasons that I may dig into at a point in the near future but have made a tentative decision to simply donate my remains to the “Body Farm”  at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville after weighing all of the options.

     If you really want me to explain my rationale I will but suffice it to say that it works for me and my belief system. So in essence the phrase “Above the Grass” will be a permanent condition for me. No wasting resources for the sake of pure Vanity and it just might help Science in a small way.

     So one interesting point is that I can make some requests about what I do not want mu Remains used for, such things as submerged in water or such. In reality it will not matter I suspect but if I can make a Request I want to be set up against a tree or slumped over a cars Steering Wheel facing towards Maine/Canada. 

     Hopefully it will be in the Fall and I will get to be in the Smokies for the best part of the year but I do draw the line at any Orange Attire with a big “T” on it but if Spurrier is still coaching I do give permission for a Hat or Jersey from his team to be applied on me but either way I calculate that if I am facing Maine I will also be facing in the direction of Bullfish Grill. If I have to explain why either location is relevant than you obviously do not know me all that well!

     So for now the subtitle of this project will be “Above the Grass”…